We’ve Only Just Vegan
Updated: May 3, 2021
I don’t hate vegans. I was a vegan once.
I understood the politics of meat and the harm it causes the environment.
I knew very well the plight of chickens, pigs, and cows confined in tiny spaces submerged in their own fecal matter in the many industrial feedlots across America.
I believed that the human body, especially the gut, the jaw and the teeth were never designed to gnaw on flesh and crack bones but rather to grind and chew leaves, fruits, and nuts.
I adhered to the philosophy that humans who eat meat absorb the bad karma caused by the act of slaughter on a helpless animal that possessed a spirit ripe with feelings and a little intellect. According to this school of thought, the slaughtered animal, moments before it draws its final breath, releases bad juju like a condemned witch, who unleashes a final diabolical spell upon her captors before burning into cinders. That bad juju then transfers to the person enjoying a pork chop.
I was living the enlightened life when I was a vegan and I was determined to share the light to all my friends and family. So I taught them all I knew. I cooked for them and bought them “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” and “Vegiemeat.”
I lit incense as we enjoyed meals bursting with correctness and quality.
I encouraged them to use jeans made of organic hemp, purses made of tropical banana leaves, sandals made of coconut husks and abaca, and shirts made of palm bark woven by the loving and caring hands of equally enlightened mothers from the East.
And when I saw my family and friends backslide with Quarter Pounders and Popeye’s Fried Chicken, I was patient with them and brought them back to the light. I was not angry. I was never angry at backsliders, just disappointed.
One time, I saw my friend wearing a Nike Jordan 3, the one with the infamous Iguana Skin. I gave him a look and he knew. He was sorry.
I was committed to spreading righteousness and love not only for people and animals but for the planet and the universe. And If I had to judge someone for leading a life of munching on beef, licking ice cream and parading leather jackets, just to show them the right way, I did it.
Now, I eat Shake Shack. Double Shack, actually. I also love BBQ Olive Fried Chicken and smoked brisket, eggs, full cream milk, and offal.
Because I was reminded that life is too short to spend it on judging people who enjoy fresh grilled octopus and leather pants. Let them eat tentacles and have sweaty asses! Live it! Enjoy it!
I do not hate vegans. I was a vegan. But I didn't like myself when I was one.